From: The Racketeer 24, Maly 1997
Sick as a Garratt
[by Andy Lusis]
A short interview with Martin Garratt, who is planning to show the British public a thing or two.
WHEN I MET Martin Garratt at his pied-à-terre in Mapperley he had just finished oiling his racket. There where many questions on my mind, like: Don't you know tennis rackets should be polished rather than oiled? and What do you think a telephone answering machine is for? (Frustrated team captains will understand the last one). But the question I had to ask was: Why do you talk so much rubbish?
'One of my guiding principles has always been: if you can't stand the kitchen, don't get out of the frying pan. But this year I decided that it was not enough to call the kettle black, I would have to put my foot where my mouth is and jump off the bandwagon.'
I sensed that he was talking about tennis. Was he?
'Tennis is a word of two halves, backwards - sin and net - that speak volumes about the way I play. Need I say more?'
Was he not happy with his game?
'My greatest regret is my complete lack of ability in every aspect of the game. Every point I've ever won has been due to an opponent's mistake or sheer luck. How I've longed for even the meagre adulation received by such non-entities as Vince Selke or Malcolm Turner, when they manage to hit the ball with the strings of their rackets.'
But things are about to change.
'Yes, this is the year in which the crowds at Wimbledon will be forced to sit up and take notice of a British man in a final - and I'm not talking about Tim Henman. Nothing will be allowed to thwart my plan of becoming the first streaker during a Ladies' final. I shall emerge from the sidelines, cast off my grubby raincoat, and leap, free as a bird out of a bush, over the net.'
Was he not worried that he might trip as he jumped and look ridiculous?
'Not at all, since I joined the Natural Law Party I've mastered the art of yogic flying. In fact this is how I'II avoid the attentions of the stewards afterwards. No one will be expecting me to fly right out of the ground, but that's exactly what I'll do.'
And what then?
'I'll spend a couple of weeks on Jupiter with my spirit guide until things quieten down here on Earth, then I'll return in a blaze of golden light to be crowned Emperor of the Universe.'
As I left I reflected on how difficult it was for great men to tread that thin line between genius and madness. On the other hand, for people like Martin Garratt there was no such problem.