From: The Racketeer 60, January 2006
Leaving Balls on Court Can Seriously Damage Your Health
[by Andy Lusis]
Rowan Harwood has reached the end of his tether.
WHENEVER I set foot on the courts at MPTC, to enjoy an hour or so of frustration and humiliating defeat, I inevitably find them littered with tennis balls carelessly left by previous players. As a physician specialising in maladies of the elderly, it saddens me to see the youth of today - and I am quite convinced that it is indeed the younger element who are responsible for this negligent behaviour - behave in this negligent and irresponsible way. But what relevance, I hear you ask, does my particular field of expertise have to this problem? Let me tell you: in the same way that smoking and drinking alcohol to excess can be deleterious to one's health, leaving tennis balls on court is no different, except that the effects will be felt much sooner. You may laugh and accuse me of alarmism. How can the simple act of leaving one or two balls lying on the ground cause years of misery and suffering? I will explain, but first I should point out that I have notified the committee of this vexing problem and have found them to be nothing less than spineless in their response - or rather lack of response. Therefore it has fallen upon me, as guardian of all that is right and proper, to take unilateral measures. I shall set up a CCTV system to monitor the courts 24 hours a day; anyone committing an act of ball abuse will be identified, tracked down and apprehended. Then, using techniques developed in my secret underground laboratory, I will artificially age the miscreants ensuring that their worst fears come true, namely that they become wrinklies. Harsh, you may say, but the time for namby-pamby nonsense - like ASBOs - is over. Once the message that crimes against ballkind will not be tolerated gets through, I foresee a swift end to the problem. Now, if only I could do something about my service...