From: The Racketeer 50, June 2003
Glorious Victories
Winter Leagues 2002-3
by Andy Lusis
CONGRATULATIONS to the Mixed A team, who lost only one Winter League match and return to Division 3, from which they were relegated last winter. Captain, Andy Lusis thanks his regular players: Anita Wood, Diane Fieldhouse, Caroline Mansell, Brad Payne, John Towlson and Paul Marshall-Day, supported by Jane Chambers (before her operation and whom we wish a full recovery), Caroline Harvey, Jo Harrington, Martin Garratt and Sam Dunkley.
The Mixed 1st team also did well and almost gained promotion to Division 1. Getting the strongest team out is never easy but the Men's A and B teams coped well and finished in respectable positions. The Ladies' A team - oh dear!
Other clubs may think that they have done rather well against our Ladies' first team. To put matters straight we recruited the former Iraqi information minister: 'Our Ladies' glorious 75-33 victory against the mighty amazons of Wollaton was the greatest achievement of any of our teams this winter. It is not true that we conceded a match to Nottingham A; this was a martyrdom operation designed to spread fear and confusion among our enemies. They are lying who say we fielded only four players in our match against Caunton; we had two agents in deep undercover positions, undermining the morale of our godless foes. To say we lost three other matches is false; our brave troops were conducting a subtle strategy aimed at sowing seeds of doubt in our stupid enemies' little brains, which will reap fabulous rewards in the future. All in all, a highly satisfactory campaign. Thank-you.'
To avoid what might have been a rather negative report, we asked him to turn his attention to the Men's 1st team: 'Boots, who are they? A pack of dogs named after a pair of shoes. And yet the cunning devils have won the Winter League championship dozens, if not hundreds, of times. But we turned the tables on them, we took their great hob-nailed boots and kicked them where it hurts. You say we made a draw against Magdala, I say we achieved supreme victory. Any opposing team winning so much as one game on that bed of camel dung they call a court surface has triumphed over the greatest adversity. I laugh at anyone who says we started two matches with only four players. I spit in the face of anyone who claims we won only two games against West Bridgford. That match exists only in the base propaganda spread like poisoned marmalade by those foul-smelling troglodytes across the river. Did we lose any matches? Is our leader Will Yandell? Some grovelling liars have accused him of nepotism in the match against Musters, of not knowing what is a score card, and of using match fees to build palaces. I say to these people: he will line you up against a wall and fire his hardest serves at your vitals. Thank-you.'
And thank-you, Mohammed. We may need your services again.