From: The Racketeer 61, April 2006
A Lesson from History
[by Andy Lusis]
Club secretary, Chris Weir, demonstrates the importance of historical research in dealing with delicate committee matters.
I WAS ENSCONCED in the scriptorium, engrossed in my quest to uncover the secrets of the ancients, when my good wife, Mrs Weir, entered. She gained my attention by rapping me upon the head with a wooden spoon.
'Mr Weir, I have here a missive passed to me by Christine of Preston,' she proclaimed. 'Would you have me divulge the contents, which I have taken the liberty of perusing?'
Slightly piqued by this unseemly display of forwardness, I nevertheless gave my assent. I was astonished to learn that the letter had been penned by a fellow committee member who took exception to a 'scurrilous and defamatory' item in the last issue of that learned and scholarly journal, The Racketeer. (In passing, I should record my disquiet that the esteemed editor saw fit to disregard the traditional spelling, 'Racqueteer'; I fear he has fallen prey to dangerously modern tendencies). This item, purportedly perpetrated by Dr Harwood, physician to gentry of advancing years, concerned balls carelessly left upon the courts and, in passing, delivered a choice rebuke to the committee.
When next the committee assembled, it emerged that the item in question had been mischievously written by the editor himself and we slack-witted dullards had all been completely taken in. Ah, how we laughed!
Later, it occurred to me that a formal reply to the complainant was called for. I therefore took up my quill and, after a small pause for thought, decided that the matter called for an historical perspective. I replied as follows:
Dear Committee Member,
I am writing to inform you that while we value your invaluable comments, we believe that history can teach us a valuable lesson. Centuries ago, when Cedrycke de Mapperlye founded the first 'Tennys Clubbe' in his 'Parke' he appointed a 'Committye' to oversee the affairs of this institution: to collect the fees, maintain the grounds and keep out the riff-raff. For many years everything ran smoothly. Then, one summer, Cedrycke lost interest in Tennys and decided to let his sheep graze upon the courts. One of the Committye members wrote a strongly-worded letter, taking exception to this high-handed action. The next day, the whole Committye was incarcerated in Cedrycke's dungeons and, a week later, beheaded. The Clubbe was disbanded and tennis was not played again in Mapperley Park for several hundred years. Need I say more?
Yrs &c,
Hon. Sec.
Finally, regarding the impersonation of club members for purposes of satire and japery in the club journal, I have made it clear to the editor that should he repeat such ungentlemanly behaviour I will have him replaced by my cousin, Mr A. Weir, who partnered me in a recent match against Woodthorpe. In fact, I would go so far as to express supreme confidence that the present editor would not dare to print one of his libellous pieces of gutter journalism under the name of the Hon. Club Secretary.